When family members distance themselves from each other

My last post on The Parable of the Prodigal Son dug into the idea that birth order might have played a part in the dynamics between the older son and his younger brother. This week I consider the implications of a few specific words the older brother says as he voices his complaint to his father:

“But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’’ (Luke 15:30)

Notice that the older brother doesn’t refer to his brother as “my brother,” he uses the phrase “this son of yours.” He’s putting responsibility for the younger son on the father while disclaiming his relationship as a brother. The older son is creating emotional and relational distance between him and his brother, while also signaling his deep pain for his relationship with his father.

Beyond the language we use, there are ways this distancing happens in today’s family business. One way is through overt unresolved or unmanaged conflict, where people are in clear disagreement with each other and everyone knows it. But here are a few more examples, from passive-aggressive to more assertive:

• Not returning phone calls or texts, or being generally absent from communication with a family member.

• Not committing to – but often not fully declining – family events and celebrations. Or, creating scheduling conflicts to intentionally avoid such gatherings.

• Triangulating: Not talking directly to the family member you have issues with, but talking about them to other family members.

• Keeping grandkids from seeing grandparents.

• Moving away, creating clear physical distance and boundaries.

• Actual cutoff of the relationship.

Have you seen others use language or other strategies to create emotional or physical distance from people? What might happen if you asked them about the reasons for their apparent distance?