The vicious cycle: anger and assumptions in the family business

Samson, furious that his bride-to-be shared the answer to his riddle during the wedding party, kills 30 Philistines and goes home in “hot anger.” He leaves thinking he is married, not knowing the bride’s father has instead given her to Samson’s best man. Samson returns a few days later:

After some days, at the time of wheat harvest, Samson went to visit his wife with a young goat. And he said, “I will go in to my wife in the chamber.” But her father would not allow him to go in. And her father said, “I really thought that you utterly hated her, so I gave her to your companion. Is not her younger sister more beautiful than she? Please take her instead. (Judges 15:1-2)

For just a minute, put yourself in the father-in-law’s shoes: Your expected son-in-law gets mad over a riddle, kills some locals, then huffs off in anger. This is probably not the way a wedding is supposed to end, and you may be second-guessing the wisdom of endorsing your daughter’s marriage to Samson!

We don’t know whether the father-in-law assumed the wedding was off — whether he “really thought Samson hated her”— or whether he saw an opportunity to get away from Samson. But it is clear that Samson assumed he was married. Without a discussion, however, there was no chance to clarify either assumption. Each party acted based on the behavior they had witnessed.

Assumptions run rampant in family businesses, as family members often avoid talking about important questions. They tend to act based on their hopes and the behavior they witness. When you add anger to the mix, people act with even more certainty based on what they think the answers should be.1 Here are just a a few assumptions that are both impacted by anger, and produce angry responses, further complicating the family business experience:

• Ownership method and timing: Will the next generation purchase, or be given, the business? Will they receive ownership before the parents die?

• Inheritance: Will the parents’ estate be split equally, or will they favor those who returned to the business?

• Business roles: Will positions in the business be established based on competence, birth order, years of service, gender, or favoritism?

• Compensation: Will family member be paid based on equality, experience, need, market value, or what’s left on the bottom line?

These questions are not always easy to answer. The tendency to avoid them is unfortunate, and anger only hardens the underlying assumptions family members are making.

Have you ever made incorrect assumptions about a family business situation, or another family members’ behavior? What assumptions could other people be making about your intentions or decisions in the family company?