Multiplying wrongs in the family business

This week I continue to explore the relationships between King David’s children. After King David’s son, Amnon, rapes his half-sister, Tamar, we are offered a glimpse into Amnon’s feelings:

Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her1. (2 Sam. 13:15-16)

Amnon, before the rape, was obsessed with Tamar, going so far as to feign sickness to his father so that he could get her alone. But after he violates her, he is disgusted with her. The description of Amnon’s hate — the repeated use of the word hate, the contrast of his newfound “greater” hate with his prior love — is so striking that we cannot help but hear the real message: Amnon hates himself for what he has done! And Tamar, with a similar use of contrast, claims Amnon is about to make the situation even worse. “Hate” and “wrong” are multiplied in the family relationship.

Hating ourselves for our own behavior, or at times multiplying our wrongs with family members, also happens in the family business. We may realize we’ve deeply offended someone, and when the opportunity comes to admit our wrongdoing or apologize, we somehow manage to add insult to injury. We might have a sense we are undercutting the authority of a family member on a particular decision, but we fail to follow-up and work through the situation. We might gossip or share information in ways that we know seed doubts about our partners. We might knowingly exclude family members from key events or decisions. We might avoid supporting a family member in their time of need. The point is that we often sense we may be wrong, and may even dislike ourselves or our behaviors. But we end up piling more problems on a bad decision. The feelings or actions after the key event become an offense of greater magnitude.

Have you ever said or done something injurious to a family member and then further complicated the situation? If you felt bad, or were angry at yourself for your behavior, did you — will you — attempt to make the situation better?