In the absence of communication

My last post on The Parable of the Prodigal Son focused on the gifts given by the father to the younger son upon his unexpected return. I reflected on how those gifts might symbolize the comfort, connection, protection, and nourishment provided to us by our families.

But the older son isn’t feeling it:

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in.” (Luke 15:25-28a)

The older son is upset. After all the chaos his younger brother caused before he left, after likely leaving them short-handed, and after squandering all that he had been given, the troublemaker is back. And not only has he returned, but his return is being celebrated! It’s as if he’s being rewarded for being selfish and irresponsible. (And at a party, no less! Didn’t his younger brother blow his inheritance on one long party?)

What I find interesting about these verses is that the older brother isn’t told his younger brother has returned. He finds out at the end of a long workday, after the party has started, and not by his father, but by a servant. It’s as if telling the older brother was an afterthought, or even worse: maybe he didn’t deserve to know, that he wasn’t worth telling.

From the older son’s perspective, how could they celebrate a momentous “family” occasion without him there? Even if he was relieved that his younger brother was safe, how is he supposed to interpret his own standing after walking in on the party? The anger, the assumptions, and the insecurity are all hard at work.

Sometimes in families and family businesses the issue is not “the issue” (i.e. the son’s return). It’s how a family member feels he or she is being treated.

• It’s not the event, but the announcement (or lack of) surrounding the event.

• It’s not the substance of the frustration, it’s how the frustration is communicated.

• It’s not the plan itself, but how the plan was developed and delivered (or not) to the family, including who was – and wasn’t – included.

Have you ever experienced anger at a family member for how they told you, or didn’t tell you, about something important? Did you make any assumptions about what was happening? Are there times when your communication, silence, timing, or exclusion of people might have caused another family member pain?