Family communication: like ships passing in the night
The assumptions at work in our families and family businesses (Luke 15:31)
I continue to reflect on what The Parable of the Prodigal Son has to offer for families in business together, and last week I looked at the language used by the older son to distance himself from his family members. When talking to his father, he referred to his younger brother as “your son” rather than “my brother.” I then reminded us of some current ways this disconnect can happen in today’s family business.
Now the father responds to the complaint, and he attempts to help his older son see the big picture:
“And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.’” (Luke 15:31)
This short dialogue between the older son and the father, and especially the father’s response, captures one of the great tragedies of family communication: the assumptions permeating the conversations with those we love.
The older son assumes that because his younger brother is being welcomed home (after blowing his share of the estate), that his own contribution — as the one who stayed home — is not valued. He assumes the celebration for his wayward younger brother somehow diminishes his standing, his steadfastness and loyalty, his contribution through the years. He assumes the father cannot love them both in the same way, that parental love is a zero-sum game. In his mind, giving to the younger takes something away from the older, and it screams of unfairness.
On the other hand, the father assumes the older son knows how grateful he is for “always” being with him, that he appreciates his elder son, and that all of his posessions will go to him. He assumes his older son understands a father’s love is not mutually exclusive, and that the older son, as the one who stayed, will be taken care of. I don’t know if the father ever said anything like that to his older son before, but based on my own experience with family businesses, I highly doubt it!
Have you ever seen how assumptions have damaged or destroyed a family or family business? Could earlier communication about their thought process and concerns have helped prevent such a break in the family?