Caring for those who care for you

My last reflection summarized the saga between David and Absalom in which Absalom tried to take his father’s position as king. In the final battle between David and Absalom’s armies, David’s key advisor and general, Joab, kills Absalom. But when King David hears of Absalom’s death, he begins a very visible process of mourning.

The king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, “O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” Then Joab came into the house to the king and said, “You have today covered with shame the faces of all your servants, who have this day saved your life and the lives of your sons and your daughters and the lives of your wives and your concubines, because you love those who hate you and hate those who love you. For you have made it clear today that commanders and servants are nothing to you, for today I know that if Absalom were alive and all of us were dead today, then you would be pleased. Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants, for I swear by the LORD, if you do not go, not a man will stay with you this night, and this will be worse for you than all the evil that has come upon you from your youth until now.” (2 Sam.19:4-7)

Absalom has been, at best, a difficult child. At worst, he’s a profoundly destructive force in David’s family and the nation. Now that the threat of Absalom has been eliminated, David adds fuel to the fire by mourning his son in front of everyone. Joab has finally had enough. He lambasts David for prioritizing his disloyal, wicked son over all the people who served, fled with, and fought for the king. Joab strongly advises David to quit talking about his son and instead focus on the loyal people who have supported him.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, a family member acts in ways that are highly destructive to the family or cause great harm to the business. They might undercut and sabotage other family members. They might cause good employees to leave. They behave in ways that, if not for being a family member, would get them fired. In many cases, that family member is not properly dealt with; there are no consequences for bad behavior. (Sometimes the poor behavior even gets them more attention!) Think about the message that sends to everyone who does the right things for the family or family business.

Have you ever witnessed a family member’s harmful behavior being ignored or not properly punished? Does Joab’s confrontational approach hold any lessons for you in dealing with such a situation?